I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
