I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
