She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
