I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
