And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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