every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
