There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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