hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I cut my penus on the lid.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize