I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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