I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
