Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
