so that wasnt chicken after all
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
