It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
