I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
