Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
