thus making me awesome and them whores
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
