I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
