Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
