I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Houston, we have a blender
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize