You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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