and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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