after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
