So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
