i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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