My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
