His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize