If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
