Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
