omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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