I will die if light touches me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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