I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
