i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Mom said you looked used
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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