someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
