Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
