Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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