um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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