My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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