Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
