I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
