oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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