I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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