tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's not a walk of shame if you run
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
