I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize