I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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