his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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