oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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