I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
