I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
