I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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