the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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