Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A bitchslap is in order.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
