had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize