I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
