My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
