You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
