I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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