Having a random hookup so left but love u
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
